You're still tied to September because you were grafted to September, having lived through the early morning of September 1st, closing your eyes for the last time that morning. You are engrafted to September 2019 for having lived through that September 1st Sunday morning. September 1st was your last day (and Sunday, our shopping day, forever changed) but you're engrafted to September each and every day of the month.
Tomorrow is October 1st, a whole new world because September will be complete, closed, your final day no longer attached to the month. My real first day KNOWING it's a world without you alive running around by my side in it. My first real day in the world by myself, on my own, a whole new world, after the time we had. You will not be engrafted to October 2019 or the months and years beyond. Billions of calendars have turned the page and you are left behind in September 2019.
But you are engrafted IN ME and I will carry you with me and in me through the remainder of my life, you will be carried alive in me for a duration of probably close to twice my age. I'm old yet have twice my life left to live (although I see no future, I have no sense of any future). Myself and mother (and worthless excuse of a human being grandmother who really stopped caring about you several years ago because she finally aged into a geriatric stage) are the two people who will carry your entire 10 year and 8 month and 1 day existence inside ourselves for the rest of our days. I will carry you in me for the rest of my life. You were and are and always will be worshipped. You are engrafted in my brain, heart, bones, cells, soul.
It's over now, we had our time. Thank you Heather Nova for that lyric. It likely saved my life reading it today. Marmalade I love you. I always told you, you're killing me, because I knew, deep inside, our time together was limited (felines live out their lives faster than humans), I knew time with you was limited, you killed me. It's over now, we had our time. This pain is agonizing. I failed you, not vice-versa. All you ever wanted was for us to be full of laughter and happiness and joy. You wanted our house to be a happy, joyful, laughing, home. You'll NEVER know how sorry I am that that happy joyous home was never meant to be. You'll also never know that you entered a NON-CHANGING situation, there was NOTHING you could do to unify myself and the other two people. You did everything in your power to unify us and that was beyond ALL power. But you saved me. You SAVED me. I failed you. It was up to me to change and exit and take you with me. But YOU NEVER FAILED. You brightened our life for 10 years and 9 months. You brought us endless infinite eternal happiness and joy and laughter for 10 years and 9 months. I'm sorry for all the screaming and fighting and screaming and fighting and ever more screaming and fighting and endless damage that was done (which you always swept away without a care, felines always do, that a major feline gift), which had nothing to do with you. Uniting myself and the other two people was never going to happen, you did not know the damage was done, you were not yet in the world. It took more than 4 billion years for your father's seed to be planted, for you to grow inside your mother, for your mother to birth you into this world, for you to find yourself in our house. It will take 4 billion years for that seed to return and be seeded again and for you to be rebirthed into the world. Whatever world there is then. YOU NEVER FAILED. You saved my life. You were my life. You are my life. Know that I'm doing, I'm trying, my very best, to draw strength from memories of you, from thoughts of you, through remembering your meows and purrs and radiance and glory and happiness and contentment. All you ever wanted was for me to be happy and calm and content, to be in a state of joy and contentment and ease. I am doing everything I can allow everything you gave me to flow through me eternally: your endless passion and love and radiance and gloriousness and joyousness and contentment and joy and happiness and forbearance and forgiveness and cockiness and complete and utter joy of the world and everything in it despite the screaming and the fights and all the loud neighbourhood noises and the maniacal dogs and Florida's holocaust heat. I always told you, you sweetened our days and you sweetened our nights and you sweetened our lives, all our lives through, and that is what I must remember at all times. You want me happy. The sad thing is if I ever get the actual happiness I want (and you know what that is Marmalade, I told you a million times, moving back up north to a blue democratic state with four seasons), you won't be here to enjoy it. I'm sorry I failed to move us to a blue Democrat state with 4 seasons and a much cooler cleaner happier environment. That failure kills me every second I breathe. You deserved better than me and the shit Florida weather and shit hood with shit people we were stuck in. I love you. Nature/Existence/Evolution is evil and cruel for having designed felines (and canines) to live out their lives in the blink of a human eye. The pain hurts like it should. Because that is the price of love.
And I'm not editing this message from this moment forward. I have to let it go now. I love you Marmalade. Puss, puss, puss, where is the puss of the house? (Seeing you): There you are.
Heather Nova - Feel You Like A River
( On ATB / Two worlds LP )
I could feel you across the miles of my body
Almost physical, spiritual
Like there was no separation
Like you were right beside me
Like a river
I can feel forever in my mind
I can always reach for you inside
We can stay together in our minds
Feel you like a river,
Never die
Ooh ooh ooh ...
Remember the bridge we crossed
Leaning out over the water,
With the sun streaming in
Through the leaves
We can keep it alive,
It's just energy
I can feel forever in my mind
I can always reach for you inside
We can stay together in our minds
Feel you like a river,
Never die
Ooh ooh ooh ...
And I feel I feel I feel you
Like a river
And I feel I feel I feel you,
Like a river
I can feel forever in my mind
I can always reach for you inside
We can stay together in our minds
Feel you like a river,
Never die
Ooh ooh ooh ...
And I feel I feel I feel you,
Like a river
And I feel I feel I feel you,
Like a river
And I feel I feel I feel you,
Like a river
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